CPTSD cover image


August 12, 2019

This is not meant to be a polished post, but a loosely organized stream of puke brain. This was mostly for me and if I didn't rush it out I have the fear it will remain as a draft

Stayin' alive

If you don't know much about me, I've been a programmer and nerd since around 2010—the past 5 years I've plunged headfirst into fatherhood. As my children become less dependent on me, at least stayin' alive, I've had more some time to myself which has been pretty tempestuous.

The past two years were probably the hardest I can recall. I had debilitating anxiety, bouts of depression and isolation.

The cycle

I go through long periods stress and anxiety, which results in burnout, which fuels guilt that I'm not the best version of myself (family and work), which then turns into isolation and depression. Rinse and repeat.

My imposture syndrome is often twisted into a thought that I've hit this imaginary ceiling of knowledge. When stuck in this cycle I am prevented me from being the best version of Anthony.

This is not true.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Recently I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I thought that diagnosis would initially overwhelm me but it actually gave me answers and even better, goals. I now know what types of therapy work, how to avoid triggers and can practice mindfulness. While hopeful, this will very likely be something I have to manage for the rest of my life.

Why the heck am I telling you all of this?

Honestly I don't know because I don't really even want to, but I hope that some of this helps someone.

Having CPTSD doesn't have to define me. Though if I'm to progress in my own self care then it needs priority like my family and work. That means talking about it even if it's uncomfortable.

The importance of a supportive group

A friend of mine recently shared that she was starting AA and I was blown away at her courage. I've watched the progress she's made and appreciated all the candidness shared along the way. Then half-way through outlining this post I see others tweet their recent experiences with depression.

I'm incredibly grateful to be surrounded by strong, insanely intelligent, individuals who discuss mental health openly. I'm not quite sure where I'd be without such a supportive group.

I'm doing well right now

There's a mountain of work ahead of me, but I'm in a safe space and am prioritizing self care and therapy. I've enjoyed more in the past two months than I have in 5 years.

The tools are there now and I've got a plan to be the best Ant I can be. My work has been improving which creates a positive feedback cycle.

Lets do this together, yeah?

Maybe seeing more people like me sharing real relatable stories can create a larger support system that everyone can take advantage of. If you struggle with mental health, you are not alone. It's okay, know that we're all in this together. You matter and are loved.